Headshaving – During

I’ve already written about the whys and the preparation for my headshaving scene here

The day of the shoot arrived, and I have to admit to being a bit of a mess. I got up early to wash my long hair for the last time, and then did the last bits of packing I needed to do. Once I was packed and sorted, though, my nervous energy had nowhere to go, and I think I spent a little while wondering around the house, looking for things to do. I didn’t manage much of this though, before R and Pandora told me to sit down, and eat and drink. They very much helped with this by pressing a bowl of cereal and mug of tea into my hands!

Not long after that, The Boss arrived, and we all set off to the studio. We had the studio for the whole day for a couple of reasons – one being that I wanted to get some final photosets of my long hair before it was shaved off, and some more photos post shave, and two, we didn’t know how long the headshaving was going to take, and what state I was going to be in afterwards, and I didn’t want to have to rush. As it turned out, planning on shooting some photos in the morning was probably the best thing I could have done. It allowed me to do what I know, and focus on something other than what was coming up.

I’m really pleased with the photos that we got that morning, it’s nice to have a reminder of how I used to look!

After a bit of a lunch break, it was time to start setting up for the main event though. We started out by shooting an interview, and the opening shot of the movie, then it was time to get going. Looking back now, I think I was so certain that I wanted to do a cold caning to open, because it was something I knew would be difficult, but that I could do. I needed to feel powerful in myself before doing something that is probably the most extreme thing I’ve ever done.

The caning and strapping scenes were wonderful. Being able to quietly take a hard caning always makes me feel good about myself. Like nothing can break me. And the strapping on my tits, belly and thighs was great fun. I think this is something I’d like to return to with Pandora, but in a more playful, asked-for sort of scene. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew what was coming, but I was able to forget about it, and just immerse myself in what was happening at that moment.

But then the time came.

One of the most important aspects about the scene I wrote was that it was The Boss who did the shaving, and that I discovered that he was betraying me. I wanted to feel that moment of hope when I see his face, thinking that he has found me, and is going to rescue me, but in fact, it is he who has sent me there. Simply put, I wanted the shaving to hurt me, emotionally, as much as possible. And boy, did The Boss deliver.

Throughout the shaving, he insults me, tells me how stupid I look with no hair, and various other humiliations that are obvious to anyone watching. But there is less obvious emotional sadism going on there as well. The Boss’s pet name for me is pig, or piggy, and several times over the course of the scene, he calls me this. The feeling of him using our private petname, while playing a role in which he tells me he never loved me, never cared for me, was simply grooming me, was heartbreaking. Blurring the lines between the fantasy and the reality only served to make the emotional pain more real.

The other important thing I wanted to feature was some breath play. I have a love/hate relationship with water. In some circumstances I find water incredibly sensual and sexual. In others, it just leads me to pure panic. I knew that being dunked was going to make me panic. And that’s why I wanted it.

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