It shouldn’t really be a surprise to me, that having my head shaved would mark the start of some significant changes in my life. I came to realise a lot about myself in the lead up to the event, and even more since then. And to a certain extent, I’m still growing and changing, and realising even more about myself.
I’ve already written in detail about why I wanted to have my head shaved, about how much I was identified with my hair, and how much I was identified by it as well. People took a look at me, and thought they knew what to expect. Since I chopped of those long, red curls, people started looking at me differently, and maybe realising that their previous first impressions were wrong.
But that’s not what I want to talk about right now.
The first shaving of my hair was an experience I loved, and sharing it with The Boss, Rosie, and Pandora was the perfect choice. It was my fantasy, but it was something we experienced together, each playing our own roles. For a while after that, the shaving was something that The Boss and I did. He would shave me back to where I started every time he visited. It was a part of our D/s dynamic.
But as that dynamic faded, I realised that for the first time in my life, I was entirely free to do whatever I wanted with my hair. I didn’t have a dominant telling me that they preferred me with long hair, short hair, black hair, red hair. I didn’t have the worries of maintaining a “professional” look that my vanilla 9-5 jobs required. I could do literally anything with my hair, and there was no one who could stop me.
It was then that I started (with Rosie’s help) experimenting with bleaching and colouring my hair, as well as keeping the sides shaved, and the top long. Our first attempt was a barely visible purple colour, with sides only just shorter than the top. But over time, as Rosie has gained experience with bleaching and colouring, the colours have got brighter and brighter, the top has got longer and longer, and the sides shorter.
Last July, on a whim, I decided I was too hot, and wanted as much hair gone as possible, RIGHT NOW. So I got out the clippers, and started shaving. Since then, the only time anyone else has touched my head with clippers has been on a couple of occasions when I’ve asked Rosie to tidy up a couple of spots I couldn’t reach. And when I shaved my hair again last week, I realised how important it is for me to do it for myself.
As I sat on my office floor, naked, seeing chunks of hair falling away, I felt almost cleansed. Stripping away those extra bits, and returning back to who I am underneath feels incredibly powerful. And knowing that this is 100% something I am doing for me is very freeing. The realisation that finally, I’m at a point in my life where I answer to no one. I am able to be my real, authentic self. Even if that authentic self changes day to day, nothing is holding me back from expressing it.