The Personal Cost

Guilt and self care

This weekend, I’ve barely spent any time at my desk, and I have to be honest, I have felt a little guilty about it. I’ve retweeted a few links to articles, and of course, the link to the petition to repeal the new porn legislation, but apart from that, I’ve been staying away from reading or writing too much. I feel like I should be using all the energy I have to make my voice heard, to raise awareness, to fight.

But the truth is, I have used all the energy I have to do that. By Friday evening I had no energy left. Friends who sent me messages telling me how they thought the new legislaiton was wrong recieved replies simply stating “I do not have the energy left in me to talk about this right now, but your support is appreciated”.

Unlike a few UK producers, I am not in a position to up and move out of the UK.  I can’t ask Rosie to suddenly move away from her friends and family, to leave her job and move to a country where she doesn’t speak the language.  I can’t leave my support network here, leave the friends and lovers who will help me throught this shitty time, and go to a place where I know no one.  I also do not have a partner who is resident of another country to transfer my business over to. My only options are: to stay here and keep doing what I’m doing, knowing that until the legislation gets repealed, I’m taking a risk; or give up everything I’ve worked so hard to achieve, and shut my website down only months after re-launching it. Neither of those options is what you might call optimal, and as such, my outlook was pretty dark.

Saturday morning, I had a realisation. The realisation that I can only fight at full strength for so long before I have to stop. That self care is as important as anything else during this process. The symptoms of stress are no joke, and I can’t do anything if I am in too much pain to be able to sit at my desk, or unable to maintain a train of thought long enough to write it down in coherent sentences. Allowing myself a little time off to snuggle with Rosie, and watch Pokemon, to listen to music, and make Christmas decorations, has made a huge difference. Having the time to chat with Rosie about what our options are in the long run, and speak with my family and get their support has made me feel like I have other choices, and the people who are close to me are going to back me up whatever choice I make. On Friday, I couldn’t see a way that I could carry on. But now, I’m relaxed, and energised, and ready to keep on fighting! 

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