In bdsm, trust is an important factor, not just the sub trusting the top, but also the top trusting their bottom. For me, a lot of the time when I’m topping on camera, I dont look relaxed or like I’m really enjoying it – more just that I’m working through the script in my head, and a part of that is that I find it difficult to trust a model that I’ve just met that morning.
Why do I need to trust them? I need to trust that the feedback they are giving me is genuine – both verbal feedback and body language. I need to trust that they will stop me if they feel like it is becoming too much, and I need to trust that at the end of the day, they wont feel any resentment towards me because of what I’ve put them through.
For this reason, I tend to err on the side of going lighter than possibly both me and the person i’m working with would prefer, and I had been beginning to wonder if I was capable of playing as hard as I might like to on camera at all. When I shot with Andrea earlier on this year, I felt I was able to push her a little bit, but I was still very much holding back – which isn’t fair to either of us!
When I had the chance to shoot with Andrea again, I lept at the opportunity, and even though my back was giving me a fair amount of pain on the day – and I was unable to do a lot of the things I wanted to – I think we shot the most brutal movie I’ve done as a top so far. I know a big part of this is that I know Andrea incredibly well, and I do trust her. I know if she’s struggling, she will tell me – she did tell me in fact when she’d been struggling against the ropes too hard and she needed to change position. I know at the end of the day, Andrea will still be a good, close friend who isn’t going to hate me for what I put her through. I know she will enjoy any marks I leave on her. All this really allowed me to let go and get entirely into the scene, and I think it was overall, a hugely fulfilling experience for us both.