I should be getting on with editing at the moment, but I’ve had a load of stuff going round my head since my shoot on Sunday that I wanted to get down.
Most of the time when I’m playing with The Boss, we play with the sort of pain I like in the areas I like – the sort of pain I can directly eroticise, and I’m allowed a fair amount of feedback if something isn’t working for me, or I can make suggestions for what I’d like next, and all in all, probably do more topping from the bottom than I’d like to admit to. I think there are many reasons behind this, and they all add up. Firstly, I tend not to be submissive in play. I’m a masochist yes, but I’m fussy!! I’m also a control freak day to day, and I do find it difficult to let go of that control in play. But also, it’s easy and safe to play this way.
I’m scared of playing in a way I’m not in control of, which is totally crazy, because when I do play that way, I do enjoy it. I enjoy the fear, the not knowing, the feeling that I just have to get through and endure. I played this way for the first time in a long time on Sunday, on a shoot for Nimue’s World. It was my first shoot with a new Top, and though we had discussed limits and a vague outline of what was going to happen in the scene, I didn’t really know what to expect. As it turns out, what I got was a reminder that I can give up control in play, that I can be forced to take the sort of pain I wont request. That I can go to that helpless place where I just become a toy, where I can take the pain that overwhelms me, doesn’t allow me time to process it, that just builds and builds.
It was definately a wake up call to me, it made me realise what I’ve been missing out on because of my own fears and insecurities.