I’ve always know that I’m a masochist I love physical pain in so many different ways. I love the sensations, I love the brutality, I love that society tells us it’s wrong. It turns me on, cleanses me, invigorates me and leaves me feeling alive. But there is more than just physical pain. Emotional pain can be a powerful tool to play with as well, but I believe it is much more dangerous, much easier to push further than expected, and much more likely to leave permanent damage than physical pain.
But I am an emotional masochist, and I’m slowly coming to terms with this fact. It’s something that The Boss and I have been slowly pushing the boundaries with over time seeing just how much pain I can take and still come out the other side of it. And honestly, the things we do in this area, scare me so much more than any physical thing we’ve done. Especially now that I am a much stronger, independent person than I have ever been before. I don’t want to be pushed back into a place where I’m needy and scared all the time. But at the same time, being put in a position where I NEED him, where I need reassurance, where there is nothing more important to me than being told that he still wants me around, where my thoughts are of nothing but begging him not to get rid of me, begging him to please give me a chance, please keep me around…… Well, that is hot.
The thing that worries me the most though, is that I’ve been in that situation before, in the past, and on those occasions, the relationships were descending into abuse. There was nothing consensual about the way I was being made to feel, there was no re-assurance at the end of the day, no being told I was still wanted, just wake up the following morning and it was as if nothing had happened. I don’t want to go back to that bad place, and even though I have no reason to think that The Boss might treat me that way, we base how we react now on how things have happened in the past.
It’s something we are moving forward with slowly, very slowly. Taking baby steps and then communicating, assessing and checking the level of damage. Sitting at home crying, but intensely turned on is one thing, sitting at home planning a move back to Manchester is another. The first result is desirable, the second, very much not! I don’t know how far down this path we are going to travel, but I know one thing for certain, He will always be there with love and support at any time I want to turn around.