This is another one of those posts where I start by saying “when I started producing porn, I wasn’t doing it to make a statement”. I started producing porn because it seemed like an enjoyable way for me to make a living. But I am still realising that the content I make is radical on many levels. The world is not going to change based on my work alone, but I still think that what I’m doing will help out in making a change.
I’ve always set out to show the world what goes on in my head – sharing my fantasies and allowing others to see that they are not alone. But these days, it seems that even showing my body is radical.
I’m fat. I used to be skinny, but now I’m not. But it seems that along my way between the two points, a large group of people have also decided that I’ve also gone from being beautiful, to being ugly, and in doing so am no longer deserving of love, care, or respect.
There is still a huge cultural hang up that bigger people can’t also be beautiful, and when folks encounter someone who is both, they are beautiful despite being fat. As if there is a lucky handful of people whose beauty is so strong, it overpowers the fact that they are fat, but most of the population can be either one, or the other.
It has taken me a long time, and a lot of supportive people around me, as well as some amazing online communities, for me to be able to say that I am big, and beautiful. To look at my body and see a friend, rather than a thing which is betraying me by changing. But this shouldn’t be the case. It is important to show larger people being wonderful, sexy, beautiful, desirable beings. To embrace curves, rolls, folds, and cellulite as an intrinsic part of who someone is, not something we have to look past to see their beauty.
I want to encourage people who think their body is too big to be on show – to show them that they don’t have to be ashamed, that they do not have to accept the world judging them, and they don’t have to hide away and feel like they are not desirable.
My body is still changing, it will keep changing as long as I’m alive, and I am going to continue documenting my body in photos and video. And every message I get like the ones above makes me more determined to keep sharing these photos and videos with the world.