I’m slowly beginning to realise that I don’t like punishment. I mean, I know you’re not meant to like it, that’s kinda the point of punishment. What I mean is that the punishment dynamic does very little for me these days, especially if I (or the character I’m playing, in the case of roleplay) am in the wrong and deserving of punishment, and believe so.
On our big location shoot earlier this year, I had 2 days of shooting with Pandora and Tom. Both fantastic CP tops. I excitedly sat down and planned lots of scripts that tapped into my fantasies, but it wasn’t until last week, when I was editing the content, that I realised that out of everything we shot, we only did 1 punishment scene. And even in that scene, the punishment was somewhat unfair, and unjustified.
Looking back through the history of my site is interesting. I have a lot of spanking scenes, but most are spanking for enjoyment, as a reward or two people enjoying CP for the sake of it. There are also a few punishment scenes, but rarely are these justified punishments. They are tops taking roles where they abuse their power, where they are clearly the ones in the wrong. I love this feeling of abuse of power, and I think it’s something which comes through strongly in my spankings scenes, both as a bottom (I’m thinking of “I’ve Seen You”, here especially), and as a top (in the School Bully series).
I hate the feeling of letting someone down, and a genuine, deserved punishment scene always has an element of this. In real life, my ideal Dominant doesn’t spank me when I’ve done something wrong, rather, they sit me down and together we talk and work out why I did what I did, and how we can avoid it happening again. And in even in roleplay, the feeling of disappointing my top leaves me feeling vulnerable in a way that’s unpleasant to me.
I think I need to do some more processing about this whole topic at the moment, but I don’t think I would have ever realised where my desires actually lie if I hadn’t got my website. My fantasies are documented and laid out in front of me, and there’s no way I can deny the evidence in front of me.
I wonder if documenting our kinks (in whatever form, whether photos, video, or the written word) allows us to reflect on them in a way we either wouldn’t, or couldn’t without that record.
It was pointed out to me after I published this article, that I could submit it to Kink of the Week, which last week was about punishment. I’m a little late in submitting my first #KOTW, but I hope people don’t mind!!!
