Tomorrow night, R and I are planning on going to the cinema to see The Cabin In The Woods. I know, not terribly worthy of a blog post, but it has got me thinking….
When I was at school, I was bullied for 4 years because of my sexuality. I knew from when I was about 12 that I wasn’t hetrosexual, I knew I liked girls, and I shared that information with a trusted friend. As things go when you’re that age and at an all girls school, the secret got out and I was bullied by those in my own year, as well as those in years below me. It was not a fun time for me in any way. Things were made worse when I got together with the wrong girl when I was in year 11 (15 – 16). I told her about the bullying I’d already gone through, and asked her, for both our sakes, to keep things quiet, not to make a big deal out of it. We were in separate forms and only had 1 lesson together a week, so it should have been an easy thing to do. She didn’t and the bullying got worse. My last few months at school were hell, and I was so happy when I collected my GCSE results and knew I would never have to set foot in that place again.
What has this got to do with going to see a film with my girlfriend, I hear you ask!
And I will tell you…… although since school I have not had any people who have problems with my sexuality, I am still scared. In a society where hate crimes still happen, I dont want to make myself a target. Maybe I am being entirely paranoid? Maybe I am stuck remembering the bullying I went through, I don’t know. It’s a difficult feeling. I’m the sort of person who loves holding hands and various other public displays of affection, so I’m always torn between wanting to do that, and holding back because I don’t want to invite trouble.
I know that this is the wrong way to think about things. I should be able to hold hands, hug and kiss my partner in public, and feel safe to do so, regardless of what other think. Maybe I am holding myself back and should stop worrying my silly little worries.
I feel a little like a traiter to the cause, like i’m a “bad lesbian” for not just being out and proud and doing what I want.
I really dont know right now. I’m utterly exhausted and this has rather turned from a blog post into a rambling train of thought. So I am going to say goodnight, and see if this is worth keeping up when I re-read it in the morning.